And Then There Were None...

No jokes tonight. No funny lines, no clever puns, not even a jib or a jab. Tonight Im not in the mood. This is the most depressed I have been in months. Which makes sense because I had been taking my pills regularly up till last week. My bad for deciding not to. (Dont worry, I started taking them again, Ill be right as rain in a few days). My dad is very much agaisnt "modern medicine" so I have to leave the pills in the car and take them in there. I havent drvien anywhere in the past few days, and I never remembered to go out and take them. So, yea, I take pills for depression, bet most of you didnt know that. Not a lot of people know a lot about me, and thats the way I like it. I hide behind others, always changing the focus off of me and onto someone else. But I digress. Everyone has been depressed before, to some sort of degree, and for a variety of reasons. A family member dies, your boyfriend breaks up with you, and other such normal depressing things. It will stay for awhile but eventually it will clear up and go away. Like acne. Gross. I, on the other hand, dont "get' depressed, I AM depressed. Doctors say something in my brain doesnt produce chemicals or something, and the pills give it a boost. So, without the pills, I just am depressed. Let me paint you a picture. Surounded in darkness, no heat, no light. So cold and dark. And yet, it is all inside you, you are an empty shell, void, and full of nothing. Light hurts, so you turn off the lights. Sound hurts, so you close your doors and windows. Food hurts, so you dont eat for days. You dont want to move, moving takes too much energy, and you need all the energy you have to try to warm yourself on the inside. But you cant warm yourself on the inside. You wrap in blankets but you can still feel your core shivering. So cold. Seeing hurts, so you shut your eyes. Talking hurts, so you keep quiet. You want to talk yourself out of it, tell yourself that it is a beautiful day outside, God did great today, so go and embrace life! But you wont believe yourself. Crying hurts, so you stop crying. Thinking hurts, so you stop thinking. Breathing hurts, and you think, If I stop breathing, Ill die. But then you think, it would be better to feel nothing at all, than to be cold... So cold, so dark. The darkness creeps over you, enveloping and swallowing you whole. Your last thought is, I wish I could stop the cold. And then, nothing.

Thats me falling asleep, not sufficating myself. So, for those of you who I have now scared the pants off of, dont worry, I havent killed myself yet, and Im not planning on it anytime in the future. And, so long as I take a stupid pill everyday, my days are perfectly normal, and I really am the happy go lucky guy you all know me as, instead of me putting that on as a charade. Now, Im not looking for pity, or anything like that, I just felt that I had to share this for some reason. Maybe, to help me better understand myself.