A great man once asked " What is considered funny?" The answer; "Ted Kennedy in a dress, a briefcase in the shape of a fish, and words that end with the letter K."
And now, some quotes in which we should all live by.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continuously stating and repeating the very very obvious, as in It's a nice day, or You're very tall, or Oh dear you seem to have fallen down a thirty-foot well, are you all right?

Charming man. I wish I had a daughter so I could forbid her to marry him...

He was experiencing the aural equivalent of looking at a picture of two black silhouetted faces and suddenly seeing it as a picture of a white candlestick. Or of looking at a lot of colored dots on a piece of paper which suddenly resolve themselves into the figure six and mean that your optician is going to charge you a lot of money for a new pair of glasses.(this revelation was life changing to me, thats for sure)

Arthur: You know, it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.
Ford: Why, what did she tell you?
Arthur: I don't know, I didn't listen.

"Please relax," said the voice pleasantly, like a stewardess in an airliner with only one wing and two engines, one of which is on fire, "you are perfectly safe."

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

Number Two's eyes narrowed and became what are known in the Shouting and Killing People trade as cold slits, the idea presumable being to give your opponent the impression that you have lost your glasses or are having difficulty keeping awake. Why this is frightening is an, as yet, unresolved problem.

He picked up the letter Q and hurled it into a distant privet bush where it hit a young rabbit. The rabbit hurtled off in terror and didn't stop till it was set upon and eaten by a fox which choked on one of its bones and died on the bank of a stream which subsequently washed it away.
During the following weeks Ford Prefect swallowed his pride and struck up a relationship with a girl who had been a personnel officer on Golgafrincham, and he was terribly upset when she suddenly passed away as a result of drinking water from a pool that had been polluted by the body of a dead fox. The only moral it is possible to draw from this story is that one should never throw the letter Q into a privet bush.

There's an old cat saying that has particular relevance here, and it goes like this: We are all gonna die!

Sir, I am programmed to relinquish my life. That's why the Mechanoid 4000 series was voted "Android of the Year" five years running! I have as much interest in saving my own life as a chronically-depressed lemming.

THIS is my shiny thing. And if you try and take it off me I may have to eat you.

LISTER: The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is happening?
KRYTEN: Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco.

KRYTEN: So, what have you been up to, sir?
ACE: Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my highlights done.

LISTER: But Rimmer, he asked for you. He obviously feels some sort of bond.
RIMMER: The only 'bonding' I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and a rabid hamster!

We have lost the finest, the most dedicated vending machine repair man the Space Corps - no, no - the *universe* has ever known. No one ever pressed for a Coke, and got oxtail soup and orange juice by mistake on *his* shift - well, actually, that's not true: we all did but what the smeg, this is his eulogy.

KRYTEN: What about the way you look at him?
KOCHANSKI: What way?
KRYTEN: I've seen the way!
KOCHANSKI: *What way*?
KRYTEN: Like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!KOCHANSKI: (aghast) How could you say that..? I have *never* looked at him like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in! Maybe, once or twice, plain cottage cheese, but never, *ever*, with pineapple chunks in! Never. Never! [beat] Have I??

LISTER: Computer senility. Such a weird condition.
KRYTEN: I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name was Gilbert, but he preferred it if people called him "Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble." A sad case.

Rimmer: Since when were you interested in a trouser press? You care less about your appearance than a member of the Dutch royal family.
Lister: No, I was thinking: if we got moved to a cell with a trouser press, we could make cheese toasties.

HA HA HA HA HA HA, wow, I feel alot better now. the first set of quotes was from the book trilogy The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Whoever correctly names what the second source of the quotes are wins all my stuff.